Drill
Press: An upright machine, useful for suddenly grabbing pieces of metal
stock, so that it slashes your hand, then flings the piece
at high velocity into the freshly glued up heritage cabinet restoration
project, which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get
to it.
Grinding wheel / wire wheel: Cleans paint and rust off metal surfaces,
and sharpens lawn mower blades. Cleans up the cut ends of bolts, and then
throws them somewhere across the roomrwith
the speed of light. Also removes fingertips. Heat treats flesh, in
less time than it takes you to say, 'Son of a .....tch'
Reciprocating Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make bolts
too short.
Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
Vise-grips:
Generally used after pliers, to smooth-finish bolt heads. If proper
clamps are not available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to cook the palm of your hand.
Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion.
The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
Oxy-Acetylene torch: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable
objects in your shop, including your workbench. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
Table saw: A stationary power tool, commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
Phillips screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals on oil jugs
and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to round
out Phillips screw heads.
Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Usually used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws. Mostly used for slipping
off screw heads and butchering your palms, or any fragile painted
surface.
Pry bar: A tool used to crumple and cause hundreds of dollars damage to the
metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
Hose cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most fragile and expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to strike.
Utility knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents
such as articles of clothing, vinyl upholstery kits, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, while being worn.
Son of a b*tch tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage, while yelling 'Son of a b*tch at the top of your lungs. It is also,
inevitably, the next tool that you will need.
